The longest article on fatherhood in Streams 5 was “Incarcerated Dads” by Frankie P. This thoughtful meditation is an in depth analysis that includes his commentary on the importance of communication and literacy. The intelligence and candor of the author is evident. The remarkable thing is that he was able to produce this piece of writing while being incarcerated himself and that he was able to entrust his work to the Waterways teaching artist/editor, Matthew Hejna-Luque, who helped him share his message through publication:
“Being a parent in the system is very hard to deal with. Many times at night I find myself lost, deep in thought, and at the same time my peers are in the same form of thinking. What we go through on the inside can tear this world apart.
Many people out there do not know how it feels to be incarcerated. Being locked away from your loved ones and not knowing when is the next time, or if, you are going to see them really hurts. It is not a matter of winning your case. It is a matter of surviving the penitentiary. There are many fights, slashings and stabbings in the system, and you never know when it will be you. You can be the type that just wants to do your time and get out, but problems still occur. Walking with eyes in back of your head and sleeping with one eye open are some of the survival skills one learns in the system. Watching your every step puts a lot of pressure on an inmate. With all this pressure, we still have to deal with the thought of losing our families.
Many of us are afraid to return to our homes and find out that our child is calling another man, ‘Dad.’ Often we entertain the negative thought of our wives leaving with the baby to be with another man, because she needs the material things in life. Sometimes she may forget that her child has a birth father, who has feelings for his child. But we must understand that it is hard to raise a child by yourself and you do need the help of your mate.
Many times in prison we see men with renewed feelings towards their family and children. Why do we get this sudden change of how we feel towards our family? I think it’s because of the environment we are in. In here our lives are being conditioned. We are told when to eat, sleep, get up and sometimes even talk. Now we are able to appreciate the smallest things in life, such as a walk through the park and even buying a piece of candy without being restricted to eat it. Here we are able to search and find our true feelings, that we thought we never had. Is it that we never had them, or we did not know they were there? In many cases, when you do get in touch you are able to see the world in colors instead of in a black and white picture.
Being in jail, we are in a position where we must hide our feelings, because that is taken as a weakness. Why do we take kindness for weakness? Is it that we are trying to hide our weakness by using manipulation, being demanding and rebellious? We use manipulation as a survival skill to get what we want when we want it. Being raised on the streets, many of us learned this as a means to survive. We are able to detect a weakness, and once we find it, we will play upon it. Now that we are locked up, we are subject to use it again. When he speaks over the phone, the man may hide his true feelings. He calls his wife and tells her, “I love you.” They respond joyfully and that is when we begin to manipulate for things that we want (clothes, money, etc.). Sometimes we do not see what we are doing until after it’s done.
I would feel very stupid calling my wife and telling her what she may and may not do. Instead of calling shots, I think we should tell our wives what and how we feel, and ask for her aid; because we are going through a crisis at this moment. The plain truth is that we need them by our sides to help us deal with our time.
I think that communication plays a very important role in families, nowadays. If you are short on talk with your family wherever you are I believe you are sure to lose them. Hiding your true feelings from them makes them feel as if they’re being shut out. If you do not communicate, they will never know how you feel towards them, and they may even think you don’t love them.
What do your feelings have to do with them? Your feelings have a lot to do with your family, because you are part of their lives. A very important part, may I add. Just as you like to know what happened today, in the course of a day, when you get home from work; little do you know that they would like to know how your day went, too.
There may be many fathers lacking education. It may be hard for them to write a letter. So the only thing they have is a phone call. I believe that if they would really like to communicate with their families that much; I think the adult, as well as the adolescent fathers should get together and help each other, because they can identify with one another. So I advise you, if you cannot write too well, ask a friend to help you. But then we have the rebellious type, that feel that they are being condemned if someone offers them help. Your child hearing from you is more important than anything else in the world. Whatever means of communication there is, I am going to write, call, talk and even scream to let my family know that I love them!
What kind of responsibility did we have, as fathers, on the outside? To be honest with you, I, myself, being a father, had some kind of responsibility, but I did not take it seriously, as I should have. But many of us just made a mistake in our lives, and should have thought about our children and future instead.
When most of us were out in New York, we thought that putting food in our baby’s stomach, clothes on his or her back, or even a roof over his or her head, was enough; but in reality, it wasn’t. A child needs more than just objects in its life, and that thing it needs is love. Now you know how much your baby means to you, so imagine how much your time and love means to your baby.
In a place like this, we are able to see the many sides of various subjects. But when we were in New York, we took our freedom for granted, and look where it got us; to this terrible place with cages that were supposed to be for animals. So we must not let it get us down, because no one is accountable for actions but ourselves. Instead of wasting our time, thinking and hurting, we must do something positive. Don’t let it go to waste, because you can expand mentally from an experience like this.
What I do sometimes to alleviate the pain, is I set off to a distant land, a place that I created in my mind to think of nothing but positive thoughts. What I must remember is that I must not let any negative thoughts of any kind enter this little place in my head, because it will destroy me mentally.
If one of us is to get ten years or more, and you have a child of two years or older, imagine the attitude when you do return to her after all those years. This is not the baby that you changed his or her diapers for. This is now a young individual, who can think, talk and do for him or herself. So imagine the response when they find out you are their father; and after so many years of incarceration, you come back to provide for them. It is going to be hard for them to accept you, and for you to accept them, because first of all, who knows who? If one of us, young fathers, is facing a lot of time, I think a good idea would be to approach your child as if he or she were your friend, and after a sufficient amount of time, tell them who you really are. If they do not accept you as their father, they may be able to accept you as a very close friend. I know you will feel hurt by knowing this, but you must remember, we did this to ourselves. So let’s try and work it out to the best of our ability.
Yes, we love our children! But how much? That is the question that remains in the heart and mind of the mother as well as the child when he/she gets older and finds out that their father is locked up. So take a look at yourselves, guys, and tell me what you see. If you are given a second chance to return to the streets, I hope you now know what you must do to keep your child where you want him/her, and that is very close to your heart and by your side.
Will you be able to face your child when he/she gets older?
Streams 5
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